Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
