I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
