I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
