I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
