dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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