i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
