Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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