I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
