i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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