I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
