Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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