I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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