Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
