shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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