that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
