Your face is a jimmy john
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
