If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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