I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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