jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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