I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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