$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
