life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
