____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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