Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
