just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
