I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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