she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
