i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
