You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
