Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
