My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
