i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
