Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Pooping to opera.
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