her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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