She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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