guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
