I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
