Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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