i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
