I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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