question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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