I wish I could teleport
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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