i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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