I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
