don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
