Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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