question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
