I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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