but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
