Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think my moral compass just broke
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
