Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
