is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
