my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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