Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
