I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
