I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
