I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
